Why This Can't Be News:

Oh joy, it seems that in the not-so-distant future, humans will be trading in their fluffy locks for a sleek, bald look. I mean, who needs warmth and protection when you can have a Instagram-perfect selfie? It's not like we're sacrificing our natural defenses against, say, the elements or anything. Nope, let's just give up on that whole "survival" thing and focus on looking good for the 'gram.

And it's not just hair, folks! We're also saying goodbye to those pesky wisdom teeth. You know, the ones that were once essential for grinding down tough foods like roots and nuts? Yeah, we don't need those anymore now that our diets consist mainly of Doritos and Netflix binges. Who needs a functioning jaw when you can just order takeout and have it delivered to your couch?

I'm starting to think that this whole "evolution" thing is just a myth perpetuated by scientists who are secretly trying to make us all look like bald, toothless sloths. I mean, what's next? Are we going to start losing our noses because we don't need them for breathing anymore now that we have oxygen tanks and scuba gear? Stay tuned, folks!

And before you know it, we'll be trading in our useless ears for a pair of AirPods and calling it a day. I mean, who needs to hear the world around them when they can just stick their fingers in their ears and tune out all the noise? It's not like hearing is a vital sense or anything... oh wait, it totally is. Never mind, let's just focus on looking good for the 'gram instead.