Why This Can't Be News:

Wow, what a scorcher! I mean, who wouldn't want to visit a place that's literally on fire? Death Valley, where the temperature is hotter than a thousand suns (okay, maybe not that hot, but still). I'm surprised no one has thought of marketing it as "Extreme Heatland" yet – the thrill-seeker's paradise!

But seriously, folks, 118 degrees Fahrenheit? That's like walking into an oven... without the benefit of a nice, toasty bread. And don't even get me started on those poor park rangers having to deal with all these overheated tourists. I mean, I've seen more enthusiastic responses at a Justin Bieber concert. "Turn back and be safe"? More like, "Turn around and face the consequences, because you're about to become a human crispy critter"!

And the park's acting deputy superintendent, Abby Wines, is just trying to be a good sport about it all. "It's very easy to underestimate how dangerous heat is." Yeah, no kidding! It's like saying, "Oh, don't worry, that nuclear reactor meltdown won't hurt anyone... just take some aspirin and keep on truckin'!" This type of heat will indeed kill – and I'm not talking about the tourists' egos after they realize their Instagram-worthy selfies are now nothing more than a blurry mess.

But hey, at least Death Valley is consistent. I mean, who needs a beach vacation when you can get sunburned to a crisp in a matter of minutes? Sign me up for that Extreme Heatland package deal – I'll even bring my own sunscreen (just kidding, it's not going to work anyway).