Why This Can't Be News:

Wow, what a fantastic development! I mean, who doesn't want to see people stumbling around on their own two feet again? It's not like we've got more pressing issues in the world or anything. Nope, let's just focus on making sure our 80-year-old aunt can finally get up from her recliner without needing to be pulled by a team of trained monkeys. I'm sure that's exactly what humanity needs – people walking again, just so they can trip over their own feet and complain about the price of coffee.

And where did this miracle occur? Why, it's not like some progressive country with an already-stellar healthcare system or anything... nope! It had to happen in Israel, because who needs actual funding for research when you've got a bunch of really smart people and a "historic milestone" to claim?! I'm sure the international community is just thrilled that we're taking a break from solving world hunger to focus on making able-bodied people even more able-bodied. Next thing you know, they'll be curing baldness or something.

But wait, it gets better! This "historic milestone" is being hailed as a major breakthrough in regenerative medicine, which I'm pretty sure is just code for "we're still trying to figure out how to make our grandkids' orthotics work without having to sell their kidneys on the black market." I mean, who needs actual cures for diseases when you can just give people back their ability to walk? I'm sure that's exactly what Jesus had in mind when he walked on water – to make sure his disciples could get a good parking spot at the next big fish fry.

Anyway, congratulations are in order! To Israel, for being the first country to... um... not solve world hunger or cure cancer or anything boring like that. Nope, just let people walk again. Because, priorities. Next thing you know, they'll be announcing a breakthrough in making pizza appear out of thin air, and we can all finally forget about our crippling existential dread.