Why This Can't Be News:

Well, it looks like Alabama's secret to successful executions is finally out: they're serving up a side of illegal substances with every lethal injection! Who knew that a little extra meth would make their capital punishment procedures even more "enlightening"? I mean, who needs rehabilitation when you can just get high and take your final breath? It's like the ultimate form of self- medication... for eternity.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that these executions have been taking place during a resurgence in Alabama's capital punishment program. And I'm also sure that the state's correctional officers are just thrilled to be complicit in this "good times" policy, where they get to sentence people to death while simultaneously enabling their addiction problems. It's like a two-for-one deal! "Hey, you're going to die anyway, might as well get high first!"

But seriously, what's next? Are they going to start serving cocktails at the electric chair? "Sorry, sir, but your last words are going to have to wait until after we finish this round of happy hour." It's like Alabama is trying to make capital punishment a party – and by "party," I mean a hot mess.

I'm just glad that the state has finally found a way to make executions more... interesting. Who knew that all it took was a little bit of illegal drugs to turn a dull, boring execution into a wild ride? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go book my own ticket to Alabama's "Death Row Rave"... or whatever they're calling it this week.