85 Koi fish stolen from pond outside of San Bernardino County restaurantLos Angeles

Ah, the great Koi heist of Yucaipa—a caper so grand it makes Ocean’s Eleven look like a preschool playdate! Imagine this: two master thieves, donning their finest camouflage pants and fish-shaped hats (because why not?), sneak into the peaceful backyard of the Oak House Restaurant. They didn’t rob a jewelry store or even a bank vault—they chose to liberate 85 Koi fish from their serene pond. Talk about stealing someone’s tranquil ambiance! The San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department, ever on guard against aquatic crime, swung into action with all the flair of James Bond himself. After tracking down the suspect’s car like it was a missing goldfish in a lake, they snagged some surveillance footage so detailed it probably showed the exact brand of toothpaste the thief uses. Enter our hero, David Smith—a 42-year-old Yucaipa man who somehow managed to make stealing Koi fish sound as serious as robbing Fort Knox. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t get away with all the Koi; five poor souls were found chilling in his home like they’d never even left their pond.) Now, you might be wondering why these 85 Koi are so valuable that someone would risk jail time for them. Well, let’s just say those fish probably had resumes longer than your average CEO—they’re the Beyoncé of ponds! Each one is a unique masterpiece with scales painted by none other than Van Gogh himself (or at least it feels like that when you stare at them long enough). And yes, they cost more than most people's mortgages. The best part? The Koi are back home safe and sound, wagging their fins in triumph while the thief sits behind bars with only $30,000 bail to keep him company—a sum so high he might as well have stolen a fleet of luxury yachts instead of some floating blobs. But hey, at least now the restaurant can advertise: “Watch our Koi! They’ve been officially endorsed by law enforcement!” As for that second suspect? Still MIA, probably hiding out in some secret fish tank somewhere, planning their next move while munching on crackers and dreaming of a life aquatic. Who knows—maybe they’ll strike again at the local pet store or even Target’s aquarium section. After all, when you’re good at stealing Koi, why stop there?