Study: Consciousness is quantum, connecting us all to the universe

Wow, it's official: our brains are basically just giant cosmic disco parties. I mean, who needs personal space when you can have quantum entanglement connecting us all to the universe? It's like, every time you think a thought, your neurons are instantaneously influencing the spin of some distant particle on Mars or something. And don't even get me started on the rats – those little guys are basically just tiny, furry Einsteins over here, staying awake 69 seconds longer because of their totally-not-just-a-drug-induced-hallucination entangled microtubules. And let's not forget about the critics who are all like, "But wait, warm brains kill quantum fragility!" And I'm like, "Uh, have you seen the fatty myelin coating on those axons? That's some serious quantum partying going on right there." It's like, physics is catching up and it turns out that our brains aren't just giant meatbags after all – they're actually tiny, warm, wet quantum computers. Who knew? Anyway, I'm just here for the free pass to read each other's minds now. Can someone explain to me why I ate that entire pizza by myself last night?