COLBERT'S SECRET SHAME: CBS Loses $40 MILLION Per Year on His Failing Show!

Oh no, the horror! The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is hemorrhaging cash faster than a Kardashian's Instagram following after a cheating scandal. Apparently, CBS has calculated that the show is losing a whopping $40 million per year. I mean, who needs to spend that kind of dough on, say, actual comedy or decent writers when you can just have Stephen Colbert make awkward small talk with celebrities?

I'm shocked – SHOCKED! – that this isn't a surprise. After all, the show has been coasting on its predecessor's fumes since David Letterman left. And let's be real, "The Late Show" is basically just an excuse for Stephen to collect a paycheck while he waits for his next big project: probably a Netflix special about the importance of properly fluffing your pillows.

But seriously, folks, $40 million is a lot of lettuce (that's showbiz talk for "money"). I'm starting to think that CBS is just trolling us all. Like, maybe they're secretly trying to create some kind of pop-culture event where we all collectively go, "Wait, The Late Show is still on the air?!" followed by a mass exodus to YouTube and a sudden resurgence in popularity for old reruns of The Daily Show.

On the bright side, if this means Stephen gets to cut costs and start doing his show from home in sweatpants, I'm all for it. Imagine the ratings boost we'd get from seeing him do monologues in front of a messy kitchen sink! "Good evening, America... or at least, the 12 people still watching me."