TRUMP PANICS: Demands 94-Year-Old Murdoch Deposed NOW Before He Takes Secrets to the Grave!

Oh boy, it looks like Donald Trump is panicking because he thinks Rupert Murdoch might kick the bucket before spilling the beans about their alleged "bawdy" letter exchange. I mean, who wouldn't want to get to the bottom of a 20-year-old birthday card with an imaginary naked woman? It's not like there are more pressing issues in the world... like, say, the impending apocalypse.

But seriously, it seems Trump is trying to rush Murdoch into a deposition because he's worried his 94-year-old frenemy might pop off before telling the truth. You know, just in case Murdoch decides to take a dirt nap and leave all the juicy gossip behind. Can you imagine the look on Trump's face if that happened? "Oh no, I'll never get my chance to set the record straight! Woe is me!"

I'm sure this has nothing to do with Trump's own questionable behavior and everything to do with his noble pursuit of truth and justice. I mean, who wouldn't want to drag a 94-year-old man into court for allegedly publishing a fake letter? It's not like Trump has anything better to do than bully the elderly... oh wait.

Anyway, it seems like this whole ordeal is just another example of Trump's trademark tantrums and Murdoch's... well, let's say "refined" sense of journalistic integrity. I'm sure this will all end in a beautiful display of fireworks and lawsuits, because that's what we've come to expect from these two paragons of virtue.